(NAME-MCE) If it's war the Asians want...

[Anselmo Villanueva]

A controversy has broken out at the University of Colorado at Boulder over a
column in The Campus Press, the student newspaper, that some view as satire
and others as racist. "If it's war the Asians want ... it's war they'll
get," the column describes Asians on campus as disconnected from mainstream
university culture and outlines a plan to kidnap them and teach them to be
more like everyone else. The column is full of stereotypes of Asians as
anti-social math and science nerds, but also contains plenty of stereotypes
of white students at Boulder ("white bread, brainless tree sloths"). A
furious debate may be found at the end of the column, features both critics
and defenders of the piece. G.P. (Bud) Peterson, chancellor at Boulder,
issued a statement in which he condemned the column, while saying it was
"unquestionably protected under the First Amendment." Wrote Peterson: "The
column was a poor attempt at social satire laden with offensive references,
stereotypes and hateful language. It was not properly labeled as either
satire or commentary, and readers were left with the impression that the
author spoke for the collective staff and leadership of The Campus Press,
and perhaps even the University  of Colorado. He spoke for none of the
aforementioned."

http://media.www.thecampuspress.com/media/storage/paper1098/news/2008/02/18/Opinion/If.Its.War.The.Asians.Want-3216954.shtml


If it's war the Asians want... It's war they'll get

Max Karson

Issue date: 2/18/08

Since I transferred to CU last year, I've noticed some tension between the
white students and the Asian students. There's never any outright conflict,
but I notice little things. Like, Asians always seem surprised whenever I
talk to them. They stare at me for a few seconds as though I must have made
some mistake, and once they realize I'm intentionally speaking to them, they
aren't always thrilled.

On the other hand, white people are quick to ridicule Asians. They have no
problem with making demeaning remarks about their looks, mannerisms, and
accents-things they would never say about black people.

So when an Asian refuses to make eye contact with me or dismisses me with a
one-word sentence, I just say to myself, "Max, Asians are not evil cyborgs.
They're human, just like you. And if you were a minority student in a sea of
walnut-brained business majors and skiers, you'd be crabby, too."

But last week, I had an epiphany.

After my friend and I finished working our abs at the Rec Center, we decided
to head upstairs to tighten our buns on the StairMaster. As we walked down
the hallway, a rubber ball bounced out of one of the racquetball courts and
landed at the feet of an Asian in front of us. He picked up the ball and
leaned over the railing of the court nearest to him.

"Hey, that's not ours," I heard a guy call up from the court. The Asian
stared down at him for a moment, and then held the ball out to him. "That's
not ours," the guy said again.

Then another voice called out from a different court, "Hey, does anyone see
a ball up there?"

The Asian looked over, confused.

"I think it goes to that court," I said, pointing to the one nearest to me.

The Asian stared at me blankly for another second, and then he looked back
down into the court next to him and offered them the ball again.

"That's not our ball," the guy called up.

"Excuse me," I said. The Asian whipped his head around and scowled at me. "I
think it goes to that court."

He paused a few seconds, and then he said, in a perfect American accent,
"Okay," and tossed the ball into the court next to me.

That's when it hit me.

The Asian was so jaded by his experiences with the whitebread, brainless
tree sloths of CU that even though three people had explained to him that he
was trying to return the ball to the wrong court, it was inconceivable to
him that we might be right.

And when he looked into my eyes, it wasn't just irritation and disgust that
I saw-it was hate. Pure hate.

I'm such a fool for not realizing it sooner. I can't tell you how many times
the Asians have treated me like a retarded weasel and I've forgiven them.
But now I know that Asians are not just "a product of their environment,"
and their rudeness is not a "cultural misunderstanding."

They hate us all.

And I say it's time we started hating them back. That's right-no more
"tolerance." No more "cultural sensitivity." No more "Mr.
Pretend-I'm-Not-Racist."

It's time for war.

But we won't attack their bodies or minds. We will attack their souls.

The first step, or "Phase 1," is to find them all. Anyone who is interested
in signing up to volunteer can do so by e-mailing me. Next Sunday at noon,
we will all meet at Farrand Field. Each volunteer will be issued an
extra-large butterfly net.

The hunt will then begin.

When I blow my whistle, we will scatter in every direction and catch as many
Asians as possible. Make sure to pay special attention to the Rec Center,
the UMC, the math and engineering buildings and Lollicup. If you're not sure
if someone is an Asian, give them a calculus problem to do in their head. If
they get it right, net 'em.

Captured Asians will be dragged to my apartment on the Hill and hog-tied.
Once they're all secured in my living room, "Phase 2" will come into effect.


The Asians' reformation will begin with a 100-round beer pong tournament.
They will listen to "It's a Small World" on repeat while they play.

When the tournament is finished, the Asians will then be forced to eat bad
sushi from Hapa-with forks. When all the sushi is gone, they will be
permitted to sleep for four hours, but the entire time I will shout through
a megaphone, over and over, "Why didn't you make enough Wiis?!"

In the morning, the Asians will arrange themselves in rows, if they haven't
naturally done so already. I will stand in front of them and hold up a card
with the name of an emotion on it such as, "sad," or "surprised." The Asians
must then make a facial expression to match the word on the card. Any Asian
who remains deadpan or makes the wrong face will be tickled until they pee.
When all Asians make the correct face at the same time, the game will end,
but then they will be yelled at for being conformists.

The Asians will then be allowed to play "Dance Dance Revolution." However,
the game will be rigged so that the Asians will receive no points,
regardless of how robotically they dance.

Any Asian who tries to escape will be butterfly-netted and sent back to my
apartment for another "Phase 2." Anyone caught speaking any language other
than English will be kissed on the lips.

Once the Asian spirit has been broken, "Phase 3" will begin. Before we let
the Asians go, we will go to their homes and redecorate them in a
traditional American style. We will replace their rice cookers with George
Foreman Grills, their green tea mochi with fried Snickers bars, and their
rice rockets with Hummers. And booster seats.

When "Phase 3" is complete, the Asians will be released.

Now, I understand that this plan may upset some of you Asian readers, but
the only other way to make peace would be to expel you. If you're smart,
you'll turn yourselves in now, and it will all be over in a few days.

Besides, look on the bright side-we're not going to put you through anything
we haven't put ourselves through, and we all turned out fine.

Contact Campus Press staff editor Max Karson at max.karson at colorado.edu

------------------------------------------------

http://www.colorado.edu/news/r/537a10e44b68770c42ff1040aff5de90.html

A Statement by University of Colorado Chancellor G.P. "Bud" Peterson
Regarding a Student Column in the University  of Colorado Campus Press

February 20, 2008

On behalf of the University of Colorado at Boulder, I want to apologize to
the members of Colorado's Asian and Asian-American communities for a
satirical column written by a student columnist at the CU Campus Press – the
Web-based student news outlet managed by the University of Colorado School
of Journalism and Mass Communication. The column was a poor attempt at
social satire laden with offensive references, stereotypes and hateful
language. It was not properly labeled as either satire or commentary, and
readers were left with the impression that the author spoke for the
collective staff and leadership of the Campus Press, and perhaps even the
University  of Colorado.

He spoke for none of the aforementioned, and while his column is
unquestionably protected under the First Amendment, the sentiments he has
expressed are wounding and damaging to a community we hold dear and come at
a time when we are trying to celebrate diversity at CU-Boulder with our
annual Diversity Summit. I want to personally apologize to the individuals
who may have been wounded or offended by the column and the perspectives
that it purports to represent. I have asked the dean of the School of
Journalism and Mass Communication to review this matter, to meet with the
management of the Campus Press and to consider what steps are appropriate to
account for what was published. In the meantime, I invite the commentary of
all communities to the Campus Press Web site at

www.thecampuspress.com.

While that discussion takes place, let me reiterate the support of the
CU-Boulder campus, our collective campus community, and the School of
Journalism and Mass Communication, for our Asian and Asian-American
students, and for all students of color from all walks of life. Let me also
reaffirm my commitment to building a campus that embraces diversity in all
its forms, and that also promotes free speech, open debate and discussion of
issues and ideas, and that will not trade one to achieve the other.